Just found Michelle's 1st Page Critique Blog hop. It sounds fun, and just what I need right now. I need help setting the scene, and letting the reader become vested in my characters before rushing off to the next scene. But any thoughts are welcome. So here's mine:
REVISED portions in purple.
Honey Wilson charged into position. Her heart raced faster than her feet. This was it. One more point for the win. Her best friend set the volleyball and Honey slammed it over the net with her famous spike force. The impact of Honey’s hand echoed through the gym. Honey shook her stinging hand, her eye never leaving ball. But the ball didn't move. It disintegrated into a cloud of dust and ash. Fire alarms blared. The pulverized ball had set them off. I popped it!
Shoes squeaked on floor wax as the entire game skidded to a halt. Players on the court craned their necks, their hands frozen in rebound position. Then someone screamed over the alarm, “A bomb!”
Honey stiffened, glued by fear. A bomb in the volleyball?
Panic triggered. Amid shouts and ball ashes, some girls dove for cover. Others bolted for the locker rooms and exits. Parents stampeded from the visitor's bleachers onto the court and the Ref blew his whistle. Coach Rose signaled foul, while the other team’s coach signaled time out. The alarm shut off mid-beep.
"What was that?" Honey's friend Kelly yelled, suddenly by her side. "Are you OK?"
Honey peered through a brain fog and nodded. She wasn’t hurt. Who would put a bomb in a volleyball?
No one. That didn't even make sense. She'd just popped it somehow. Maybe someone on the other team had done something to it. White dust fluttered from Kelly's dark pixie hair. Whoever did this was going to pay.
School Security flooded into the gym and began escorting players and parents out. German Shepherds ran their noses along the baseboards. Bomb-sniffing dogs. Honey shivered violently.
I write about, with, for, and around kids all day. (Well, maybe I do the dishes too. Sometimes.)